Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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