I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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