As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
