how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize