I should be sponsored by Trojan
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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