I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
