Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
