Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
