I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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