I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
