An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
