It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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