I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
