Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize