you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize