I can text with my tongue
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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