I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize