i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
