When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
