She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
