before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
