New low: just hacked my moms facebook
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
