I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
