note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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