my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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