I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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