I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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