Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
