Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
God I need to hump something, right now.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
