Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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