He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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