what if every blade of grass was a penis?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
