That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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