moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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