be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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