woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
