when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
