hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
