My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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