I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
