hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
