I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
