In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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