We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
