It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
