We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
