My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
