i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
