he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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