Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
