"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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