tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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